Sunday, January 10, 2010

Pity party.

I can't fall asleep because my brain has decided that right now is a wonderful time to go into overdrive and spew out a bunch of complex thoughts. In an attempt to appease it, I've decided to type out some of the stuff it's yammering on about. That, and I know there's something up when I'm considering starting a twitter account.

My brain seems to have landed on the conclusion that I'm basically useless. Before you try to reassure me otherwise, just let me rant for a while. If you have objections, stop reading now. Mkay?

1. My art is crap. If not so bad as all that, then it's definitely mediocre. It's not like I expect myself to be on par with Da Vinci or Mucha, but I'm not even on par with my past self. I used to be able to draw stuff. Sure, my anatomy was wonky, my poses were unvaried, and my backgrounds were nonexistant, but I had a style. I could create things. Now, I can't even scribble out a dragon that satisfies me. I can't even get past the head, and since I have no technique whatsoever, the drawing is basically done before it begins if I can't get past that. Okay, yes, my realism sketches are coming along nicely, but I can't manage to give them the patience to make them really good or multi-dimensional or anything. Thus, they too remain mediocre. They're just better at pretending they're not.

2. I keep saying that my big dream in life (okay, second big dream) is to write a book. And yet, I never write. Some days I'll just have the motivation and drive and nothing better to do and jot down a paragraph or two, but nothing I work on ever gets very far past that. And if it does, it's terrible and poorly developed with flat characters and a hazy plot. And even the pieces that make it that far don't exceed a truncated page or two.

3. I claim to be a bibliophile, but lately waste all of my time staring at this freakin' computer. For the first time in my life, I'm going days without opening a book.

4. I gave up on reading Le Morte D'Arthur.

5. I somehow manage to spend the entirety of my days on the internet by rechecking both facebook and MLIA every few minutes.

6. I have become glued to my phone, even though I rarely hear from people. When I do, I'm usually the one who starts the conversation, and there are only three people who consistently respond. I barely recognize my ringtone because I receive calls about once in a blue moon, and I only get non-reply texts about once a month, usually from my friend Angel, who is usually only sending me random pictures and then not carrying on a conversation with me when I reply.

7. I feel petty and selfish because the people commenting on my facebook statuses are usually not the people I want to hear from.

8. That previous comment makes me feel like a jerk.

9. Number 8 makes me feel like even more of a jerk.

10. I can't ever just be. I have to have something to obsess about.

11. I'm writing this post in the first place.

12. I have no job and my personal fortune consists of a coin jar full of mostly small change with very few quarters because I spent most of the quarters at the campus bookstore. When I need or want something, I have to bum money off of my parents.

13. I'm a procrastinator.

14. At this very moment, I feel like my only real talent is delivering movie quotes. Ironically, I'm a horrible actress.

15. I have accomplished absolutely nothing in the past three weeks. To make it worse, I've spend the past few days doing nothing but watching TV and playing online. At the same time.

As if to underscore my point, I'm giving up on this post. I bet Mom's already up and about, and I haven't even managed to go to sleep yet.

Listening to: "Shadows of the Night"
Reading: Persuasion by Jane Austen

1 comment:

  1. 1. If your art was only mediocre, all your friends wouldn’t want a copy
    2. That is exactly my problem with writing a book maybe we should come together with a collection of short stories instead
    3. You are reading when you are on the internet, the blot just isn’t usually as good
    4. Remind me not to read Le Morte D Arthur
    5. MLIA is funny and real time and your jerk of a brother and one of your best friends have been arguing through you on facebook , I can’t voice her opinion of your role in that but I really appreciated you being there when I needed you
    6. If you’ve become glued to your phone I should call you and talk because you normally don’t talk much at all
    7. I’ll comment on your status more often or stop whichever you prefer
    8. Just think of what a jerk I am and you’ll feel OK by comparison
    9. I don’t understand how feeling like a jerk made you feel more like a jerk
    10. Me too it must be genetic and it ruins my relationships so if you find a good solution let me know
    11. Everyone needs to get their feelings out somehow
    12. I was the same way till I got thrown out and cut off, sometime it takes something extreme
    13. Fix it later
    14. What you should do is write down the movie quotes as you deliver them and then put a bunch of unrelated ones together in a funny way that creates some form of random plot that can be followed, that would be a very cool use for that talent
    15. I have accomplished nothing in the last 4 years and been respected by the nation and people who don’t even know me for it. The president has accomplished nothing since being elected, and look what the democrats think of him. I think you can afford the 3 weeks where you are on vacation.

    As if to prove my point this felt like a long post to me and you thought you were giving up, which shows that you hold yourself to a higher standard. The fact that you are unable to sleep because you’re thinking too much just proves that your mind is more active than those who sleep easy. On top of all that I think responding to your post helped me make a few insights into my own self I have needed, so next time you are feeling down feel free to post.