I've been doing some deep thinking lately.
I've been trying to figure people out and to figure myself out.
So far the results are unsatisfactory. On the one hand is a desire to belong. On the other is a personal pride that refuses to bend to perceived expectations. The former is fueled by shaky self-esteem and loneliness. The latter feeds off logic and habit.
Personally, I'm rooting for the latter, but while the two work out their differences, I think I'm going to hurt for a while.
Buried beneath it all is the nagging feeling that there is some sort of cosmic irony in all this in that I might find more acceptance were I to stop worrying and trying so hard and just be.
I think that's my favorite verb. "To be." So many meanings, so many uses.
The Spanish use two words for it: ser and estar. Ser is used for permanent states and estar for transient ones.
So ¿cuál soy?
I'm beginning to see lo que estoy. Parts of her I would like to shuck off, but others will do just fine. I wonder, though, how much of me will get seared off in the refining.
And because I'm a girl and I can't help it, I wonder who will be waiting for the finished product when the process is done. Or more hopefully, who will be willing to take it while it's still in the fire.
Listening to: "My Immortal" by Evanescence
Reading: Persuasion by Jane Austen