Managing.

"Hello, friends and enemies."

I've been remiss with the whole blogging thing. Now I suppose it's time for a tell-all. But not, because while I'm a bit too open sometimes, there is just some information I don't trust the internet with.

The past few weeks have quite frankly been kind of crappy. For the first time in my life I'm counting down to something. What is this countdown, you ask? The number of days until I'm in Missouri. Right now we are at almost exactly five.

I'm sure your next question is, "Why have you been feeling crappy, Rebekah?"

The short version is that I've been feeling rather lonely and a little abandoned. Sure, my friends try to include me in their excursions, but for the most part I've felt like an afterthought, someone to invite, but then to forget about. During these big group outings I've felt like I just shouldn't be there. Even though people talk to me, it feels like it is in an oh-it's-Rebekah-let's-say-hi manner. I don't feel included at at. I just feel really out of place.

That is why while I was with a large group of friends on Thursday, I called my best friend and rudely chatted with her and her husband on the phone instead of socializing with people who I didn't really feel wanted to socialize with me. It's really kind of sad, too, because we were down at Tempe Town Lake and walking a bit on the Mill Avenue Bridge, both things I have wanted to do and was looking forward to. And yet. I toughed it out for a while, hoping the situation would improve, but after a good hour or more of lagging unnoticed at the back of the group, I made the call. The result was interesting. I got out of it not only amusement and companionship, but a video of a cat going psycho with a sock. And after I hung up the phone I was hyper, something I haven't truly been in quite some time. Sure, I was a shade of hyper during the weekend of the Easter Pageant, but that was nothing like this. This was a bouncing-up-and-down, frisbee-playing hyper. And if you know me at all, you know that such physical activity is not my thing in the slightest. But there it was.

My friends got together again for a pool party on Friday and cliff jumping on Saturday. I defered on Friday because I knew that noone there would hang out with me. The only person going that I was really interested in spending time with was my roommate, but I knew that she would spend all of her time with others on the guest list. I just thought it would be better for all parties involved if I stayed home, that way I wouldn't feel quite so crappy and noone else would feel awkward because I was randomly there. That's not to say that staying home automatically equalled me being euphoric. It didn't. It's hard to be truly happy when my mind is racing through a thousand tangents a minute and worrying about half of them. There's more to it than that, but again: what I don't tell the internet, can't fall into the wrong hands. If I'm remembering correctly, my Friday evening was spent watching the fabulous miniseries Tin Man, because my best friend generously gave me the means to watch such things instantly, providing me with some cheer. I love that girl.

I didn't go cliff jumping because the only reason I had wanted to go when it was suggested weeks ago was to spend time with people that I would now rather not be around. Sure, they're fine separately, but when you get certain combinations of people they stop being good companions. Since the weighty pro of good company was removed, the strong cons of 1. hating bathing suits, 2. being afraid of falling, and 3. not knowing how to swim, won out. Instead, I went to my dad's girlfriend's daughter's graduation in the morning and spent the afternoon helping prepare for her graduation party. Is it bad that I think peeling 20 lbs. of potatoes is more fun than cliff jumping could ever be? I also got to brown meat and fetch things. The highlight of Saturday was probably watching my dad's girlfriend's son open a gallon can with tin snips because none of the can openers would work on it. In the words of my dad's girlfriend, "Hooray for redneck ingenuity!"

The party was also fun. I spent most of it talking to my own extended family. I got to talk to my grandpa a little, then with my cousins and aunts, who I'm coming to realize are all just basically awesome.

I'm beginning to think I've spent the last year hanging out with all the wrong people.

Tonight, my dad worked with me a little on learning how to drive a stick shift.

Listening to: "One Tin Soldier"
Reading: Persuasion by Jane Austen